"It's like when you're a kid. The first time they tell you that the world's turning and you just can't quite believe it 'cause everything looks like it's standin' still. I can feel it. The turn of the Earth. The ground beneath our feet is spinnin' at 1,000 miles an hour and the entire planet is hurtling around the sun at 67,000 miles an hour, and I can feel it. We're fallin' through space, you and me, clinging to the skin of this tiny little world, and if we let go... That's who I am."
In addition to driving my bus because of its stunning looks and the passing glances of strangers, it is a safety precaution. Behind the wheel of a normal vehicle, I cannot fully describe what happens. It becomes a release in addition to a means of transportation. I love the force of the gear changes, the sound of the revs, and the blurred images that pass by. 60, then 70, 80, and 90, just wishing the flickering of blue would appear in my rear view mirror.
I do not need to pay a fine or go to jail, but deep within my mind, I want it. I want reason to go faster and feel the wheels tremble underneath me as they kiss the road goodbye. I bathe in the fear of my passengers whether they be friend or family. Their pleas for me to slow down, to obey the laws of the road are music to my ears. The stereo blaring loud enough to block out their yells of “Slow down!” is all the drugs I need.
Just imagining the car suddenly flipping and spinning down the road in a fiery barrel roll is enough to put me over the edge. Every time the door closes and my hands grip the wheel, I feel a sadistic smile cross my lips, but I must control my urges and let them out in small bursts, lest my not-at-all guilty pleasure be snatched from me and taken away. “You’re putting people at risk.” Sure, that is the point. I love it when lives are at risk, particularly my own.
Bobbing and weaving between pairs of cars with no more than a few inches of cushioning gives me that injection of euphoria I crave so much, but like with any drug, the key to success is controlling it, and not the other way around. I am in control, and that is just how I like it.
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Caroll (via la-victoire-ou-la-mort)